The importance of walking

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Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I took up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Watch the ball

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Mark is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 35 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Mark, "Kevin's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says Mark's wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Mark heads off to the golf course with Kevin. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to Kevin and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied Kevin. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Mark.

"I don't remember."

We did it in 51 days

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A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows... "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.

Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together....the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

Sex Frogs

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A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:

'SEX FROGS'

Only $20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions
and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1.. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do
what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions .. please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:


'LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE LAST TIME

The Coffee Collector

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Gretchen, a blonde, grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.

She held up the thermos, and the barista quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Gretchen asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, and then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh, good!" Gretchen sighed in relief, "Then give me

Two regular,
Two black, and
Two decaf."