Questions no one can answer

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What disease did cured ham have?

What's the difference between unique and very unique?

When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?

Can you cry under water?

Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?

Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?

Why are actors IN movies but ON television?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?

Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?

Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?

Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?

We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say?

Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They're both dogs.

On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?

Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?

What's your Relationship Status

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Charm School

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Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The 1st lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. "

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious??

The first woman then asked her companion, " What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying "Who gives a damn?" I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?"

The Army of the Lord

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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door, as he always was, to shake hands with the worshippers.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside, the vicar said to him, 'You need to join the army of the Lord.'

My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father.'

So the vicar enquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'

My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

The Talking horse

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A man was driving through west Texas one evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and the engine died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice: "It's your fuel pump."

"Who said that?" the man called out.

There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flash light, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

"Yes, it was!" the man said, finally happy someone understood. "Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because the black horse don't know a damn thing about cars."