A Real Man

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A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret
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He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine. Its wine that does all that....... sorry

Never mind.

A Bird Named Steve

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There once was a man named Paul. He was very quiet and nice and never yelled or sweared.

He had a bird named Steve. Steve was very rude. He was always burping, yelling, or cursing.

One day, Paul just had enough of Steve's nonsense. So he grabbed steve by the neck and threw him in the freezer. Paul could hear the sound of Steve kicking and screaming and cussing through the freezer door. All of a sudden, the noise stopped.

Paul thought that he hurt the bird, so he went over to his fridge and opened up his feezer. Steve hopped out onto Paul's shoulder, and looked him in the eyes.

"I am so very sorry for my terrible behavior. You are very kind to take care of me, and if you could find it in you heart to forgive me, I would appreciate it very much," Steve said.

"It's okay, Steve. I am sorry for doing that to you," said Paul.

"No harm done," Steve said.

Steve looked back at the freezer for a moment. "By the way, what did the Turkey do?"

Shadey Git

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.


This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again".

Big Liar

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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

The Oasis

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Niall and Ethan are two young lads from Shannon and they are lost in the Sahara desert. they're only desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die.

They chance upon an oasis where market day appears to be in full swing.

They go to the first stall they see, and Niall asks if they can buy some water.'

No, 'replies the Bedouin stall owner, 'I only sell fruit. Try the next stall.'

So off they stagger to the next stall and this time Ethan asks for some water. 'Sorry,' says the merchant, 'But I only sell custard'.

'Custard! Custard?' splutter the two
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Niall turns to Ethan and shouts angrily, 'What kind of flippin' place is this?'

By now totally desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, 'Sorry, but I only sell jelly.'

Hearing this, Ethan says to Niall and speaks through clenched teeth, 'Bejabbers, Niall - this is a trifle bazaar