Life in SW

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How To KILL  A  LION 



COMPANIES FOLLOW THE FOLLOWING METHODS:


Cognizant Method:
hire a lion... ask him to stay late nights but give him no work to do.
give him Aloo Paratha  to eat again and again.
hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit
give them same Aloo Paratha to eat
hire 200 more....... and more .......

TCS method:

hire a lion
give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary  lion dies
of hunger and frustration

Accenture Method:

Hire a lion....
Send him to chennai
Ask him to stay on bench for a long time
Ask him to eat idli,Dosa and Vada
No hindi, kannada or no other languages speaking ppl other than TAMIL...
No good food, No water.
And say him "Go Ahead !!!! be a Tiger".
Lion dies in confusion about whether he is aTiger or lion......


IBM's metbod:

hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour ...  he dies of
unemployment...

Syntel Method:-

Hire a Cat ...
assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and
make sure that he never reaches onsite.
Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....

MBT method:

hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't
score 60% he will lose the job.
lion dies of the strain?

ORACLE method:

hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him for an African safari
for implementing flexcube (banking product) in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes
alive he will get a band movement (promotion)
holy cow dies in fear of the real lion

COSL Method:

hire a lion .
tell him to merge with Goats (polaris) and reduce his allowance...
lion dies from fear that tommorrow he might become a goat....

Polaris Method :

hire ..sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ..
change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ...change it to 8:30 AM )
cut down his allowance (coupons etc)
lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....


Capgemini method:

hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
the lion dies before joining....


Wipro Method:
Hire a Lion,
give him a mail Id.
he will die recieving stupid mails all day........!!!!


HUAWEI   Method:

Hire a Cat; give him the salary of a Lion...
Give him work of 3 Lions
Tell him to work late and even on weekends...
No time for food and family, automatic death

PATNI   Method:

After joining when the Lion comes to know the full form of PATNI as …
… Pathetic Appraisal Technique & No Increment
Tell him to work late and even on weekends...
He gets frustrated and dies slowly …

THE LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST

 


INFOSYS METHOD:
HIRE A LION.....
SEND HIM FOR TRAINING IN MYSORE  AND MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE
....................................................KING OF THE JUNGLE! J
MAKE HIM TAKE GENERIC COMPREE EXAM
.............................................LION TURNS INTO CAT
MAKE HIM TAKE STREAM COMPREE EXAM
...................................................CAT TURNS INTO A MOUSE
SEND HIM INTO PRODUCTION WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WID HE LEARNED IN TRNG
...........................................MOUSE RUNS HERE AND THERE
FOR HELP!!!
SEND HIM MAILS TELLING ABOUT MANDATORY CERTIFICATIONS
.................................................MOUSE COMMITS SUICIDE
 ...   :-) :-) :-)

 This is how software engineers die in India .

 Enjoy software engineer life.. God is always with u………?

Hic! Hic! Hooray

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Beer Quotes by Notables ...

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Babe Ruth

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul Hornung

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
-- H.L. Mencken

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a "support group." Salvation in a can!
-- Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

MORE ON ENGLISH

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Lets face it English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don‘t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn‘t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn‘t the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn‘t a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.

WHY ARE WEDDING GOWNS WHITE?

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A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his cousin's wedding asks his mother, 
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" 
 
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows the town that the bride is pure."
 
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion,
"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" 
 
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 
"Son, all household appliances come in white." 

AWwwwwwwwwww

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Girl: "Whats the price of this blue dress?"

Salesman: "Rs 5000"

Girl: "Awwww....!"

Girl: "And that pink one?"

Salesman: "Awwww + Awwww"