The Water Resources Inspector.

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A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Lockyer Valley farm and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that paddock over there.’

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me, see this card?

This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land, no questions asked or answered.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull.

The bull is gaining with every step, the Rep is clearly terrified.

So the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, leans over and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your card! Show him Your card!

I'd like a fork

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Cannibals capture three men.

The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.

Then they are each given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible, his request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.

This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man's turn.

He asks for a fork the cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.

As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with you and your f..kin canoes!"

a true case in court trial romm----with grandma

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In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"             

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to
me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher.            
Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across 
the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"     

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women.         
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."             



The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice 
said:
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the
electric chair." 

A REALLY LONG BOX

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A young man went to a carpenter and asked, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"

"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?"

"Well, you see," said the young man, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

Courtroom Humour

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A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,

but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded,

"For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"